Radio Silence

by pbsmitty

Smitty,

I know this guy for close to 10 years as we went to high school together, and we’ve liked each other in some form since 10th grade. We are 24 and 26 now. We’ve been sleeping together on an off for the past 3 years, but hadn’t seen each other in 8 months since I moved across the country. He had a work conference last week, and I flew across the country to stay with him. Things seemed ok while we were together and he said he had fun, but I haven’t heard from him in the week since I got home, except that he ‘favorited’ one tweet I wrote. We don’t typically go more than a day or two without talking, and we’re currently going on our 7th day without speaking.

What gives?

– B

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B,

Let me preface this response by saying that with a 10 year relationship there is going to be a whole lot of background that I just don’t know or understand but I’ll try to do my best with the information you’ve provided.

First off, it’s possible he’s just been super busy.  Coming out of the conference maybe he’s just had a lot to catch up on back at work etc.  However, given that you “don’t typically go more than a day or two without talking” and this was the first time you’ve seen each other in 8 months, that’s probably not the case.

You say that you’ve “been sleeping together on an off for the past 3 years” not that you have dated on and off.  You’re in your mid 20s and I’m in my early 30s so maybe I’m just a little more old fashioned but I would think that after 3 years of sleeping together some form of commitment might have been explored.  Since it doesn’t sound like it was, my guess is that one or both of you are fairly independent and not looking for something serious. If that’s the case, going from not seeing each other for 8 months to staying together for a week can be somewhat jarring. (I’ve had good friends of ten years staying with me I was ready to see leave after 3 days.)  He may have been excited for you to visit but he may have been equally excited to have his space again.  That could either be a temporary change or a permanent one.

Here is what I think you should do.  If you haven’t already, reach out however you normally did before seeing him (phone call, text, email) just like you used to. Keep it light and don’t mention everything that’s been going through your mind.  If it was just a temporary need for space from you he’ll soon get back to you and be interacting as he normally has.

If it is a permanent change however, he may not get back to you at all for weeks or his responses may be different and more distant than they used to be.  If that’s the case, I think you are entitled to call him directly and bring up his change in behavior in a (this is important) neutral non-accusatory way.  Let him know that you sense things are different and you’re just curious why. Make sure you express that you realize things might have changed and that’s ok, but you just want to know how things stand.  Hopefully he’ll open up and you’ll get some insight one way or another.

– Smitty

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